![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
A part of Cade believes this couldn't get any worse, even though he know it can. He keeps lookign down, his shoulders hunched, making himself small.
"The... yes," he clarifies, "your... who you are. The..." He rubs the back of his neck uncomfortably. "...the people you choose." Maker, this is torment.
"The... yes," he clarifies, "your... who you are. The..." He rubs the back of his neck uncomfortably. "...the people you choose." Maker, this is torment.
"Cade..." Cyril says and his voice is patient despite everything. "There are many people here who are with lovers of the same gender. Being uncomfortable around it... It's got to cause you more distress than needed. Why does who other people are with bother you so much?"
Oh, it does. Endless distress. But to say why is half the problem, as it's nobody's business, definitely not something he wants the majority of people around him to know. They already have too much ammunition.
Cade opens his mouth and closes it several times, still blushing deeply, ever unable to handle being put on the spot this way, even for such a simple question.
"I, um..." he falters, "I knew someone who..." Didn't keep it to himself, didn't mind his own business with his partner of choice. ...well. In a sense he did, but it was his choice, not his "partner"'s.
"...wasn't good," he lamely concludes. Conjuring up too many details always feels like he might summon Brother Flavius from the ether.
Cade opens his mouth and closes it several times, still blushing deeply, ever unable to handle being put on the spot this way, even for such a simple question.
"I, um..." he falters, "I knew someone who..." Didn't keep it to himself, didn't mind his own business with his partner of choice. ...well. In a sense he did, but it was his choice, not his "partner"'s.
"...wasn't good," he lamely concludes. Conjuring up too many details always feels like he might summon Brother Flavius from the ether.
Cyril's eyes narrow a bit. He can figure out that when Cade says he knows someone who 'wasn't good' and links it to sexuality he can figure out something of what happened. He doesn't pry, doesn't ask for more detail, but he doesn't soften a bit in his stance. There's still not a lot of emotion in his face though.
"There are people who are not good of all kinds," he points out. "Just as there are many people who are good of all kinds. I suppose the only thing that I can do is try to be one of the good ones."
"There are people who are not good of all kinds," he points out. "Just as there are many people who are good of all kinds. I suppose the only thing that I can do is try to be one of the good ones."
"I know," Cade concedes, lowering his head somewhat, clearly ashamed to have to be told this. In truth, Cyril is the one person thus far who has actually received any information freely given; previously, there was the Fade incident, and a meltdown to Zevran predicated by feeling threatened. It seems strange and almost sterile now, and he's overly aware of Cyril's reaction, sees the narrowing of the elf's eyes.
"I'm sorry," he says, and looks down at his feet. There's no way to make this better, not really.
"I'm sorry," he says, and looks down at his feet. There's no way to make this better, not really.
There's a soft knock at the door. On the other side, Pel looks pale and tired. Wordlessly, mainly because she cried herself out at Alistair's and is calmer now, she hands him a letter.
Da'len,
We are deeply grieved. No, you may not join our clan, and we will not visit. Even if our Keeper agreed to it, we would not see you. We will not take in a First who abandoned her duty to her clan, nor accept a flat-eared bastard as our grandchild. This should come as no surprise to you.
We thought you were better than this.
Enansal
Da'len,
We are deeply grieved. No, you may not join our clan, and we will not visit. Even if our Keeper agreed to it, we would not see you. We will not take in a First who abandoned her duty to her clan, nor accept a flat-eared bastard as our grandchild. This should come as no surprise to you.
We thought you were better than this.
Enansal
Cyril takes the letter and reads it. His face gets stony as he does, carefully concealing his growing anger. Then, he looks up at Pel and softens a bit.
"Pel..." he starts, but he isn't sure what to say so instead he moves closer and offers his arm for her to come closer.
"Pel..." he starts, but he isn't sure what to say so instead he moves closer and offers his arm for her to come closer.
Cyril nods at the apology. "Accepted. I honestly shouldn't have responded as strongly as I should either. There will be all sort of people who have opinions about my choices, and reacting such a way to them is just a way to make the whole situation even worse." A pause. "I guess that means that I'm sorry too."
She does not touch him, but she steps inside and sits on a chair, the bleakness in her heart reflected in the cold light in her eyes. She does not move from there, but her gaze drops, a sign that she is listening. What does he have to say, then?
Cyril sighs and moves to sit with her. "You've lasted this long without them being heavily involved with your life," he says finally. His voice is calm and practical. "I say put this bullshit out of your mind and focus on the people who actually care about you."
She shakes her head faintly. That's not what it's about. Not really. When she speaks, her voice is low.
"It can be easy to forget, here in Skyhold, what the Dalish are really like. We fit in, in the clan, because we didn't know anything else. Now we've grown. Here in this fortress, Beleth is the most conservative of us. She is so disappointed that we've grown past her. And when I got angry with her, I forgot that while she is the most conservative of us, she is a radical among the other Dalish. I forget that all the time, every time I think she's being unreasonable and she's the worst the Dalish can throw at me. Then I got this letter. And I've worked so hard, Cy. Everything I've done has been for the benefit of our people. It is the sacred calling of the Dalish to remember, and I always believed that meant more than a passive remembering. When you've forgotten, you have to search for what you've forgotten if you want to remember. And while I've been here, searching, I've lost my place among the people I thought I was serving."
"It can be easy to forget, here in Skyhold, what the Dalish are really like. We fit in, in the clan, because we didn't know anything else. Now we've grown. Here in this fortress, Beleth is the most conservative of us. She is so disappointed that we've grown past her. And when I got angry with her, I forgot that while she is the most conservative of us, she is a radical among the other Dalish. I forget that all the time, every time I think she's being unreasonable and she's the worst the Dalish can throw at me. Then I got this letter. And I've worked so hard, Cy. Everything I've done has been for the benefit of our people. It is the sacred calling of the Dalish to remember, and I always believed that meant more than a passive remembering. When you've forgotten, you have to search for what you've forgotten if you want to remember. And while I've been here, searching, I've lost my place among the people I thought I was serving."
Cyril listens and lets her speak, but a part of him is thinking that she's setting this up to say that she wants to go back and honestly, a part of him is disappointed at that thought. He doesn't want to go back, as reckless as that makes him, and he doesn't want her to do so either.
"What do you want to do about it?" he asks after a moment, giving her the chance to declare that for herself.
"What do you want to do about it?" he asks after a moment, giving her the chance to declare that for herself.
Her gaze drops again. This time, she is listening to herself.
"Get back to work," she sighs wearily. But it's the truth. All she wants to do is go back to what she was doing. "Maybe at the end of this, if there is an end, I'll find a people who want what I have to offer. But that's not the Dalish."
"Get back to work," she sighs wearily. But it's the truth. All she wants to do is go back to what she was doing. "Maybe at the end of this, if there is an end, I'll find a people who want what I have to offer. But that's not the Dalish."
Pel releases a breath she hadn't entirely realized she was holding. She leans in and wraps her arms around him.
"I hoped you were. We'll figure this out, I promise."
"I hoped you were. We'll figure this out, I promise."
"And she's one of the accepting ones." The letter from her parents proved that much. "And then I spoke with that elf, the one who first asked about the Dalish--Margaux. She said she was sorry for me, because her family would take her back if she went back. And I started to wonder why the Dalish are like that. And it frightens me to think I was like that, once. I just hadn't been put to the test to prove it."
Cyril felt a frown form on his face. After a moment, he shares his true thoughts on the subject. It's an opinion that he hasn't spoken to anyone before. "This whole thing... All of it. It's so stupid. They talk about how they want to support the future and how important it is to bring all of the elves back into the fold, and then they reject anything that doesn't perfectly fit the mold."
A pause, as he lets his thoughts catch up and gives up pretending that this isn't, at least in part, about his sexuality. "It's exhausting trying to squeeze into it and when you do slip out and let yourself be the shape that you are, they act like you're a traitor. It's almost as if... As if they don't really want all of the elves. They only want the ones they think of as perfect."
Then, he comes closer and puts a hand on Pel's shoulder. "They don't even see that your child is going to be prefect, just for being who they are."
A pause, as he lets his thoughts catch up and gives up pretending that this isn't, at least in part, about his sexuality. "It's exhausting trying to squeeze into it and when you do slip out and let yourself be the shape that you are, they act like you're a traitor. It's almost as if... As if they don't really want all of the elves. They only want the ones they think of as perfect."
Then, he comes closer and puts a hand on Pel's shoulder. "They don't even see that your child is going to be prefect, just for being who they are."
A faint, faraway smile. "Never again shall we submit," she whispers. Her gaze falls again, then turns to Cyril. "And her name is Sina. I'm having a girl."
"She knows my intent. I haven't had time to tell her it's definitely a girl. I just found out." A huff. "Cy, what comes next? City life is much harder for elves than clan life. They duck their heads and avert their eyes when humans pass by. And it must be at least as dangerous to settle in the country."
"I don't know, Pel," he admits after a moment. "For all we know, the world might end before we have to figure it out." He knows that's a rather dark way of thinking, but he's being honest right now.
"The only thing I know for sure is that you and little Sina won't be alone. I'll be here to help you, in any way that I can."
"The only thing I know for sure is that you and little Sina won't be alone. I'll be here to help you, in any way that I can."
Cade is surprised to receive the apology in turn, and glances briefly at Cyril, just long enough to see that he's serious. Then Cade nods, pursing his lips. "It's all right," he replies, then lapses into silence, his frequent approach to situations that are awkward.
Page 26 of 34