It's true I may be more his speed, and yet here I am, utterly unlucky in love.
[He says it before thinking, and then regrets it as his mind catches up to the words.
There's a moment of pause, and then, carefully.]
How are you doing... with all of that?
[His voice has a tone that says she doesn't have to answer the actual question he's asking if she doesn't want to. The actual question is about Solas, and he isn't sure how either of them feel broaching that subject.
If she seems even a bit too uncomfortable, he'll easily change the subject for her.]
That seems to be an Inquisitor trait, not a personal one. I'd not worry to much over it.
[ She doesn't judge him, really. Dorian is easy to love and easy to cherish and she thinks of a sending crystal, of warm magic under her fingertips, of knowing that Dorian was far, far away but always so close. She knows that when she goes back she'll be able to touch the crystal and speak to him - but is it the same for Cyril? Does he have the same friendship, or is it clouded by affection?
His question brings her out of her thoughts and she hesitates, knowing where the conversation is turning. Cyril is well aware of where her affection lies, and her hands clench at her sides as she breathes in, then out.
It is hard, but perhaps it ought to be spoken about. Perhaps she should put to voice the things that had been haunting her for weeks. ]
I do not know how to handle it. Some days I wake up and I want to hunt him down and kill him for what he plans to do, and others I want nothing more than to wake up with him beside me. I know what I must do as an Inquisitor, but... If I fail to bring him back I will be losing my heart.
[When Cyril had arrived in this place, the first thing he had done was try to reach out to Dorian through his crystal. He keeps it on his person at all times, too paranoid that he might lose it or miss communication from his friend, and so it was with him when he arrived. It's with him now too, in fact, tucked safely away in a pocket or a pouch where others cannot see it or comment on it. During that first day, Atroma had broadcast his desperate attempt to reach out to one of his dearest friends to the entire Fleet and had left his emotions on display for all - making him feel frayed and toyed with.
If they ever managed to talk about his true feelings about Dorian, it would be interesting to see if he could manage to be as honest with her as she is being with him.
His face falls for her, as his own heart clenches with true empathy. When he speaks finally he seems like he's talking in hypotheticals, but in reality he's only telling her his own experiences.]
And, what if you weren't Inquisitor any longer? What if, say, a missing limb made you set aside the title. You could pass it on to the next or disband the organization entirely, but either way you'd be more free to do what you know in your heart is right.
You'd be able to dedicate your time to saving him.
[ Leilani has her own, of course, but she'd never share it with Dorian. She doesn't want to influence him, to pressure him, to make him think or imagine something that he is not ready for. She is here to be his friend, to be at his side, to support him and cherish him and welcome him no matter what. That is what it means to be his friend and she recognises it, even if he doesn't recognise her. Dorian needs someone to stand at his side and support him, not someone to pressure him into things that he isn't ready for.
She can't look at Cyril and so she looks away, staring out into the distance of the forest, her stomach twisting into little knots. It's an idealistic thought, really - that the Inquisition might really be gone, that she might really choose to give it all up, that she could follow her heart and chase him all across Thedas.
What she knows is that she is the Inquisitor. She is the one that had been raised to that position, with that title - she might not have ever entertained the idea of being Herald but that is how people saw her. She can't imagine just giving all that up, and she feels so uncomfortable and on edge with the idea. Bowing her head, she breathes out a soft noise. ]
I'm not sure I can imagine a world where I am not Inquisitor in some shape or form. I could pass the title along, but people would know me for what I was.
[ Still, her hands clench and Leilani closes her eyes. ]
I want to redeem him. I want to show him that this world is worth saving, that... That we're worth it. Vir lath vir suledin. I want him to know that there is another path, and I would chase him to the end of the world to show him it. There must be a way, that is what I believe.
[Cyril's hand moves to the upper part of what remains of his arm. He squeezes lightly, rubbing at an ache that will never fully go away.
He understands what she means when she says she'll always be Inquisitor. Even as he says he let someone else have the title now, he still works in the shadows of the organization, guiding it towards redeeming his friend. He'll probably never fully abandon what the title meant, or the things he did while he had it.
And he'll never, ever turn his back on his people, Solas included.]
I can't tell you how reassuring it is to hear another person say those words. Everyone else acts as if the only answer is to kill him. Except for Cole, of course, but he has to focus on his own journey. No one else wants to work to help him realize how much value is left in Thedas.
I want to offer that to you too. To give you a place where you can talk and plan out ways to do exactly that. Even if we don't retain all of our memories from this place, maybe we can help inspire each other back home through whatever connection we forge here.
Maybe we can both save him.
[A slight pause, and he adds, with a small, comforting smile.] And maybe we can have someone who doesn't judge us when we have those moments where we want to strangle him a little too.
[He says it lightly, recalling what she herself said just moments before: Some days I wake up and I want to hunt him down and kill him for what he plans to do, and others I want nothing more than to wake up with him beside me.
He might tell himself that he doesn't know what it's like to love someone the way she does, but he can relate to the conflict, how the guilt over it can eat up at you, and how no one else in the world seems to understand.]
[ She knows that in the end she is going to end up like Cyril; she's going to lose her arm, she's going to give it up because it's killing her. Knowing it for what it is - a piece of Solas' power, a piece of him ripped from his Foci and trapped in her hand - makes her feel pained and a little hurt. She wants to keep it because it's a part of him, but... It's killing her. She is going to die if she doesn't get rid of it, and she recognises that being here is what is keeping her alive.
It's sad, that she wishes she could keep something that was killing her. The Anchor had been terrible the first time she had realised what it was, but now... Now it was just a part of her, and even as she stared away from it she could feel the pulse and spark of it, waiting to overwhelm her.
She can't abandon him. She doesn't want to. But she knows the choices that have to be made; if Solas won't turn from his course then she will have to stop him. ]
The others didn't know Solas like I did. They saw the man he wanted them to see - careful and wise, but stubborn and argumentative, too. I saw more than that... I saw so much of him that it hurts me to think that people will only see him as someone who wants the world to end. He wants to make things better, he is just doing it in the most foolish, cruel way possible.
[ Glancing over, she smiles softly, a gentleness settling over her shoulders. ]
I would like to do the same to you. We understand one another, lethallin, and I do not want to lose that, not when this world is so strange and different from Thedas. I want to believe that we can save him.
[ She wants to be wrapped in Solas' arms again, to feel him against her, to hear the whisper of his name, of ma vhenan against her ear. She wants so much that she feels embittered and selfish with it - her own desires should not go above what is best for the world, no matter how much she loves Solas.
At least she can laugh, just a little. ]
He would deserve it. Fool.
[ Leaning back, Leilani breathes out, shaking her head and gazing up at the sky. ]
It may take years, but I am willing to fight for that long. I will bring him home, and I will forgive him, and I will show him the errors in his choices. That is my promise to myself.
[He doesn't know her very well, but he has a sense of her strength an dedication from the times they have interacted. If she's anything like the others who belong to Lavellan back home, she already has a solid foundation to build upon.]
I wonder if there is a way to bring back to evanuris without destroying Thedas. If we could slowly bring the world back to what it once was without kill the people living on it.
Your faith in me is wonderful, lethallin, but I cannot say the same about myself.
[ Her faith in her own choices and her own strength had been shattered by people's disbelief, by her own failures, by her own choices. She doesn't know what to do with herself, and Cyril's faith in her is wonderful but a touch uncomfortable. ]
I do not see why we ought to bring the evanuris back at all. If they are as bad as Solas said surely they will do nothing more than bring more suffering? Why should that be the price we must pay?
[If they knew each other better he'd probably protest that, but he won't push now. They are still basically strangers who lived similar lives.]
I agree, but the basis of compromise is finding a middle path. If there is a way for Solas to have what he believes he must have while protecting the world...? That would be worth it.
Though it honestly does feel a bit like letting several terrible dragons back into the world.
That is what I hope to find. There must be a way to make the world beautiful again without destroying it. It should not be forced to be remade - it should be improved through our hard work. I fought for too long to protect Thedas to simply give up on it now.
[ Leilani is determined about that, at least. She would stop Solas, and she hopes that it will come with her being able to convince him of another path, not taking his life. ]
I would do it safely. I don't want another Corypheus.
[So much of what she says is so familiar, because they are things that he's said himself or thought of during his times alone. It's so strange, sometimes, to be with her. Like looking into a flattering but still twisted mirror.]
I don't think anyone wants that. Well, except for a few mad magisters up in Tevinter, but I'm sure Dorian will successfully weed them out.
[ Leilani doesn't hate Tevinter, not really, but she's never had any reason to have any positive feelings towards it. The only Tevene thing she likes, other than the wine, is Dorian, and he seems to be an abnormality for the nation. Sighing, she shakes her head, turning her head to stare out in front of them. ]
[He nods at that, accepting it. It's strange, if she were anyone else, he might warn against working too hard. But she isn't just anyone else. He knows he wouldn't listen if someone had said that to him, and he imagined she would feel the same.]
I know what you mean... I'd say we should look at the fleet as a vacation, but it hasn't exactly been relaxing.
Not so far. [ It makes her smile a little wryly, at least. ] It's almost been just like being at home. I've not had a chance to miss Thedas too terribly.
Hm, and it seems most of the things I miss the most were things I was missing back on Thedas as well.
[Except, perhaps, for his inner circle. For the men and women who had become a second family to him. Dorian was here, but he wasn't his Dorian, not the same man that he had forged such a connection with. They were building a new connection here, but it wasn't exactly the same.
He can't really put words to that feeling though. He assumes that she probably understands. She knew all the same people as him, after all.]
It has been harder than I imagined it being. I was used to everyone being around and now it has started to get harder.
[ Josephine and Cullen remain, of course, but Leliana is Divine and the others returned to their lives, far and distant from her. It's difficult, adjusting to life where she feels entirely alone, but she manages as best she can. She has no reason to complain, not truly; she is alive and mostly content with her choices.
Shaking her head, she stares up at the sky. ]
Letters are not the same as Wicked Grace on a rest day.
[Cyril still has some of the inner circle around, but mostly he was thinking of his Clan and family when he said there were things and people that he missed back home.]
We should play a game. See if the other Thedosians will join.
I'll ask around and see what I can find. It would be worth the entertainment. [ She shakes her head, something fond settling over her. ] When we're off this... Place.
[He nods, then chuckles very softly in a gently-bitter sort of way.] How strange that I'm looking forward to being in a tin box surrounded by nothing again.
[ Ah, it helps, and she settles down, closing her eyes and breathing out. It's funny, she thinks, to be so close to someone who is such a stranger and so familiar all at once. ]
No, you're right. The winters are preferable to this madness. [ She laughs gently. ] I hope it isn't long before we manage to return to the sky.
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driftfleet)
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I don't think my beauty is what he's interested in. [ But it's said gently, with fondness. ] At least it would make my concern more tolerable.
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[He says it before thinking, and then regrets it as his mind catches up to the words.
There's a moment of pause, and then, carefully.]
How are you doing... with all of that?
[His voice has a tone that says she doesn't have to answer the actual question he's asking if she doesn't want to. The actual question is about Solas, and he isn't sure how either of them feel broaching that subject.
If she seems even a bit too uncomfortable, he'll easily change the subject for her.]
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[ She doesn't judge him, really. Dorian is easy to love and easy to cherish and she thinks of a sending crystal, of warm magic under her fingertips, of knowing that Dorian was far, far away but always so close. She knows that when she goes back she'll be able to touch the crystal and speak to him - but is it the same for Cyril? Does he have the same friendship, or is it clouded by affection?
His question brings her out of her thoughts and she hesitates, knowing where the conversation is turning. Cyril is well aware of where her affection lies, and her hands clench at her sides as she breathes in, then out.
It is hard, but perhaps it ought to be spoken about. Perhaps she should put to voice the things that had been haunting her for weeks. ]
I do not know how to handle it. Some days I wake up and I want to hunt him down and kill him for what he plans to do, and others I want nothing more than to wake up with him beside me. I know what I must do as an Inquisitor, but... If I fail to bring him back I will be losing my heart.
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If they ever managed to talk about his true feelings about Dorian, it would be interesting to see if he could manage to be as honest with her as she is being with him.
His face falls for her, as his own heart clenches with true empathy. When he speaks finally he seems like he's talking in hypotheticals, but in reality he's only telling her his own experiences.]
And, what if you weren't Inquisitor any longer? What if, say, a missing limb made you set aside the title. You could pass it on to the next or disband the organization entirely, but either way you'd be more free to do what you know in your heart is right.
You'd be able to dedicate your time to saving him.
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She can't look at Cyril and so she looks away, staring out into the distance of the forest, her stomach twisting into little knots. It's an idealistic thought, really - that the Inquisition might really be gone, that she might really choose to give it all up, that she could follow her heart and chase him all across Thedas.
What she knows is that she is the Inquisitor. She is the one that had been raised to that position, with that title - she might not have ever entertained the idea of being Herald but that is how people saw her. She can't imagine just giving all that up, and she feels so uncomfortable and on edge with the idea. Bowing her head, she breathes out a soft noise. ]
I'm not sure I can imagine a world where I am not Inquisitor in some shape or form. I could pass the title along, but people would know me for what I was.
[ Still, her hands clench and Leilani closes her eyes. ]
I want to redeem him. I want to show him that this world is worth saving, that... That we're worth it. Vir lath vir suledin. I want him to know that there is another path, and I would chase him to the end of the world to show him it. There must be a way, that is what I believe.
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He understands what she means when she says she'll always be Inquisitor. Even as he says he let someone else have the title now, he still works in the shadows of the organization, guiding it towards redeeming his friend. He'll probably never fully abandon what the title meant, or the things he did while he had it.
And he'll never, ever turn his back on his people, Solas included.]
I can't tell you how reassuring it is to hear another person say those words. Everyone else acts as if the only answer is to kill him. Except for Cole, of course, but he has to focus on his own journey. No one else wants to work to help him realize how much value is left in Thedas.
I want to offer that to you too. To give you a place where you can talk and plan out ways to do exactly that. Even if we don't retain all of our memories from this place, maybe we can help inspire each other back home through whatever connection we forge here.
Maybe we can both save him.
[A slight pause, and he adds, with a small, comforting smile.] And maybe we can have someone who doesn't judge us when we have those moments where we want to strangle him a little too.
[He says it lightly, recalling what she herself said just moments before: Some days I wake up and I want to hunt him down and kill him for what he plans to do, and others I want nothing more than to wake up with him beside me.
He might tell himself that he doesn't know what it's like to love someone the way she does, but he can relate to the conflict, how the guilt over it can eat up at you, and how no one else in the world seems to understand.]
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It's sad, that she wishes she could keep something that was killing her. The Anchor had been terrible the first time she had realised what it was, but now... Now it was just a part of her, and even as she stared away from it she could feel the pulse and spark of it, waiting to overwhelm her.
She can't abandon him. She doesn't want to. But she knows the choices that have to be made; if Solas won't turn from his course then she will have to stop him. ]
The others didn't know Solas like I did. They saw the man he wanted them to see - careful and wise, but stubborn and argumentative, too. I saw more than that... I saw so much of him that it hurts me to think that people will only see him as someone who wants the world to end. He wants to make things better, he is just doing it in the most foolish, cruel way possible.
[ Glancing over, she smiles softly, a gentleness settling over her shoulders. ]
I would like to do the same to you. We understand one another, lethallin, and I do not want to lose that, not when this world is so strange and different from Thedas. I want to believe that we can save him.
[ She wants to be wrapped in Solas' arms again, to feel him against her, to hear the whisper of his name, of ma vhenan against her ear. She wants so much that she feels embittered and selfish with it - her own desires should not go above what is best for the world, no matter how much she loves Solas.
At least she can laugh, just a little. ]
He would deserve it. Fool.
[ Leaning back, Leilani breathes out, shaking her head and gazing up at the sky. ]
It may take years, but I am willing to fight for that long. I will bring him home, and I will forgive him, and I will show him the errors in his choices. That is my promise to myself.
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[He doesn't know her very well, but he has a sense of her strength an dedication from the times they have interacted. If she's anything like the others who belong to Lavellan back home, she already has a solid foundation to build upon.]
I wonder if there is a way to bring back to evanuris without destroying Thedas. If we could slowly bring the world back to what it once was without kill the people living on it.
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[ Her faith in her own choices and her own strength had been shattered by people's disbelief, by her own failures, by her own choices. She doesn't know what to do with herself, and Cyril's faith in her is wonderful but a touch uncomfortable. ]
I do not see why we ought to bring the evanuris back at all. If they are as bad as Solas said surely they will do nothing more than bring more suffering? Why should that be the price we must pay?
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I agree, but the basis of compromise is finding a middle path. If there is a way for Solas to have what he believes he must have while protecting the world...? That would be worth it.
Though it honestly does feel a bit like letting several terrible dragons back into the world.
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[ Leilani is determined about that, at least. She would stop Solas, and she hopes that it will come with her being able to convince him of another path, not taking his life. ]
I would do it safely. I don't want another Corypheus.
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I don't think anyone wants that. Well, except for a few mad magisters up in Tevinter, but I'm sure Dorian will successfully weed them out.
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[ Leilani doesn't hate Tevinter, not really, but she's never had any reason to have any positive feelings towards it. The only Tevene thing she likes, other than the wine, is Dorian, and he seems to be an abnormality for the nation. Sighing, she shakes her head, turning her head to stare out in front of them. ]
There is still so much that I must do.
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I know what you mean... I'd say we should look at the fleet as a vacation, but it hasn't exactly been relaxing.
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[Except, perhaps, for his inner circle. For the men and women who had become a second family to him. Dorian was here, but he wasn't his Dorian, not the same man that he had forged such a connection with. They were building a new connection here, but it wasn't exactly the same.
He can't really put words to that feeling though. He assumes that she probably understands. She knew all the same people as him, after all.]
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[ Josephine and Cullen remain, of course, but Leliana is Divine and the others returned to their lives, far and distant from her. It's difficult, adjusting to life where she feels entirely alone, but she manages as best she can. She has no reason to complain, not truly; she is alive and mostly content with her choices.
Shaking her head, she stares up at the sky. ]
Letters are not the same as Wicked Grace on a rest day.
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We should play a game. See if the other Thedosians will join.
We'd have to make or find a deck of cards.
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[ Wrinkling her nose, she drops down and leans against him, just a little. ]
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One winter, back with the Clan, it was so cold that I thought my toes would fall off. One of our elders suffered frost bite on the tip of his nose...
[He pauses, thinking it over.] Nope. I'd still take that winter over this planet again.
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No, you're right. The winters are preferable to this madness. [ She laughs gently. ] I hope it isn't long before we manage to return to the sky.
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At least the sky we fly through isn't spewing demons forth. We have to come back to land for that.