[ She knows that in the end she is going to end up like Cyril; she's going to lose her arm, she's going to give it up because it's killing her. Knowing it for what it is - a piece of Solas' power, a piece of him ripped from his Foci and trapped in her hand - makes her feel pained and a little hurt. She wants to keep it because it's a part of him, but... It's killing her. She is going to die if she doesn't get rid of it, and she recognises that being here is what is keeping her alive.
It's sad, that she wishes she could keep something that was killing her. The Anchor had been terrible the first time she had realised what it was, but now... Now it was just a part of her, and even as she stared away from it she could feel the pulse and spark of it, waiting to overwhelm her.
She can't abandon him. She doesn't want to. But she knows the choices that have to be made; if Solas won't turn from his course then she will have to stop him. ]
The others didn't know Solas like I did. They saw the man he wanted them to see - careful and wise, but stubborn and argumentative, too. I saw more than that... I saw so much of him that it hurts me to think that people will only see him as someone who wants the world to end. He wants to make things better, he is just doing it in the most foolish, cruel way possible.
[ Glancing over, she smiles softly, a gentleness settling over her shoulders. ]
I would like to do the same to you. We understand one another, lethallin, and I do not want to lose that, not when this world is so strange and different from Thedas. I want to believe that we can save him.
[ She wants to be wrapped in Solas' arms again, to feel him against her, to hear the whisper of his name, of ma vhenan against her ear. She wants so much that she feels embittered and selfish with it - her own desires should not go above what is best for the world, no matter how much she loves Solas.
At least she can laugh, just a little. ]
He would deserve it. Fool.
[ Leaning back, Leilani breathes out, shaking her head and gazing up at the sky. ]
It may take years, but I am willing to fight for that long. I will bring him home, and I will forgive him, and I will show him the errors in his choices. That is my promise to myself.
[He doesn't know her very well, but he has a sense of her strength an dedication from the times they have interacted. If she's anything like the others who belong to Lavellan back home, she already has a solid foundation to build upon.]
I wonder if there is a way to bring back to evanuris without destroying Thedas. If we could slowly bring the world back to what it once was without kill the people living on it.
Your faith in me is wonderful, lethallin, but I cannot say the same about myself.
[ Her faith in her own choices and her own strength had been shattered by people's disbelief, by her own failures, by her own choices. She doesn't know what to do with herself, and Cyril's faith in her is wonderful but a touch uncomfortable. ]
I do not see why we ought to bring the evanuris back at all. If they are as bad as Solas said surely they will do nothing more than bring more suffering? Why should that be the price we must pay?
[If they knew each other better he'd probably protest that, but he won't push now. They are still basically strangers who lived similar lives.]
I agree, but the basis of compromise is finding a middle path. If there is a way for Solas to have what he believes he must have while protecting the world...? That would be worth it.
Though it honestly does feel a bit like letting several terrible dragons back into the world.
That is what I hope to find. There must be a way to make the world beautiful again without destroying it. It should not be forced to be remade - it should be improved through our hard work. I fought for too long to protect Thedas to simply give up on it now.
[ Leilani is determined about that, at least. She would stop Solas, and she hopes that it will come with her being able to convince him of another path, not taking his life. ]
I would do it safely. I don't want another Corypheus.
[So much of what she says is so familiar, because they are things that he's said himself or thought of during his times alone. It's so strange, sometimes, to be with her. Like looking into a flattering but still twisted mirror.]
I don't think anyone wants that. Well, except for a few mad magisters up in Tevinter, but I'm sure Dorian will successfully weed them out.
[ Leilani doesn't hate Tevinter, not really, but she's never had any reason to have any positive feelings towards it. The only Tevene thing she likes, other than the wine, is Dorian, and he seems to be an abnormality for the nation. Sighing, she shakes her head, turning her head to stare out in front of them. ]
[He nods at that, accepting it. It's strange, if she were anyone else, he might warn against working too hard. But she isn't just anyone else. He knows he wouldn't listen if someone had said that to him, and he imagined she would feel the same.]
I know what you mean... I'd say we should look at the fleet as a vacation, but it hasn't exactly been relaxing.
Not so far. [ It makes her smile a little wryly, at least. ] It's almost been just like being at home. I've not had a chance to miss Thedas too terribly.
Hm, and it seems most of the things I miss the most were things I was missing back on Thedas as well.
[Except, perhaps, for his inner circle. For the men and women who had become a second family to him. Dorian was here, but he wasn't his Dorian, not the same man that he had forged such a connection with. They were building a new connection here, but it wasn't exactly the same.
He can't really put words to that feeling though. He assumes that she probably understands. She knew all the same people as him, after all.]
It has been harder than I imagined it being. I was used to everyone being around and now it has started to get harder.
[ Josephine and Cullen remain, of course, but Leliana is Divine and the others returned to their lives, far and distant from her. It's difficult, adjusting to life where she feels entirely alone, but she manages as best she can. She has no reason to complain, not truly; she is alive and mostly content with her choices.
Shaking her head, she stares up at the sky. ]
Letters are not the same as Wicked Grace on a rest day.
[Cyril still has some of the inner circle around, but mostly he was thinking of his Clan and family when he said there were things and people that he missed back home.]
We should play a game. See if the other Thedosians will join.
I'll ask around and see what I can find. It would be worth the entertainment. [ She shakes her head, something fond settling over her. ] When we're off this... Place.
[He nods, then chuckles very softly in a gently-bitter sort of way.] How strange that I'm looking forward to being in a tin box surrounded by nothing again.
[ Ah, it helps, and she settles down, closing her eyes and breathing out. It's funny, she thinks, to be so close to someone who is such a stranger and so familiar all at once. ]
No, you're right. The winters are preferable to this madness. [ She laughs gently. ] I hope it isn't long before we manage to return to the sky.
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It's sad, that she wishes she could keep something that was killing her. The Anchor had been terrible the first time she had realised what it was, but now... Now it was just a part of her, and even as she stared away from it she could feel the pulse and spark of it, waiting to overwhelm her.
She can't abandon him. She doesn't want to. But she knows the choices that have to be made; if Solas won't turn from his course then she will have to stop him. ]
The others didn't know Solas like I did. They saw the man he wanted them to see - careful and wise, but stubborn and argumentative, too. I saw more than that... I saw so much of him that it hurts me to think that people will only see him as someone who wants the world to end. He wants to make things better, he is just doing it in the most foolish, cruel way possible.
[ Glancing over, she smiles softly, a gentleness settling over her shoulders. ]
I would like to do the same to you. We understand one another, lethallin, and I do not want to lose that, not when this world is so strange and different from Thedas. I want to believe that we can save him.
[ She wants to be wrapped in Solas' arms again, to feel him against her, to hear the whisper of his name, of ma vhenan against her ear. She wants so much that she feels embittered and selfish with it - her own desires should not go above what is best for the world, no matter how much she loves Solas.
At least she can laugh, just a little. ]
He would deserve it. Fool.
[ Leaning back, Leilani breathes out, shaking her head and gazing up at the sky. ]
It may take years, but I am willing to fight for that long. I will bring him home, and I will forgive him, and I will show him the errors in his choices. That is my promise to myself.
no subject
[He doesn't know her very well, but he has a sense of her strength an dedication from the times they have interacted. If she's anything like the others who belong to Lavellan back home, she already has a solid foundation to build upon.]
I wonder if there is a way to bring back to evanuris without destroying Thedas. If we could slowly bring the world back to what it once was without kill the people living on it.
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[ Her faith in her own choices and her own strength had been shattered by people's disbelief, by her own failures, by her own choices. She doesn't know what to do with herself, and Cyril's faith in her is wonderful but a touch uncomfortable. ]
I do not see why we ought to bring the evanuris back at all. If they are as bad as Solas said surely they will do nothing more than bring more suffering? Why should that be the price we must pay?
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I agree, but the basis of compromise is finding a middle path. If there is a way for Solas to have what he believes he must have while protecting the world...? That would be worth it.
Though it honestly does feel a bit like letting several terrible dragons back into the world.
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[ Leilani is determined about that, at least. She would stop Solas, and she hopes that it will come with her being able to convince him of another path, not taking his life. ]
I would do it safely. I don't want another Corypheus.
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I don't think anyone wants that. Well, except for a few mad magisters up in Tevinter, but I'm sure Dorian will successfully weed them out.
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[ Leilani doesn't hate Tevinter, not really, but she's never had any reason to have any positive feelings towards it. The only Tevene thing she likes, other than the wine, is Dorian, and he seems to be an abnormality for the nation. Sighing, she shakes her head, turning her head to stare out in front of them. ]
There is still so much that I must do.
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I know what you mean... I'd say we should look at the fleet as a vacation, but it hasn't exactly been relaxing.
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[Except, perhaps, for his inner circle. For the men and women who had become a second family to him. Dorian was here, but he wasn't his Dorian, not the same man that he had forged such a connection with. They were building a new connection here, but it wasn't exactly the same.
He can't really put words to that feeling though. He assumes that she probably understands. She knew all the same people as him, after all.]
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[ Josephine and Cullen remain, of course, but Leliana is Divine and the others returned to their lives, far and distant from her. It's difficult, adjusting to life where she feels entirely alone, but she manages as best she can. She has no reason to complain, not truly; she is alive and mostly content with her choices.
Shaking her head, she stares up at the sky. ]
Letters are not the same as Wicked Grace on a rest day.
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We should play a game. See if the other Thedosians will join.
We'd have to make or find a deck of cards.
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[ Wrinkling her nose, she drops down and leans against him, just a little. ]
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One winter, back with the Clan, it was so cold that I thought my toes would fall off. One of our elders suffered frost bite on the tip of his nose...
[He pauses, thinking it over.] Nope. I'd still take that winter over this planet again.
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No, you're right. The winters are preferable to this madness. [ She laughs gently. ] I hope it isn't long before we manage to return to the sky.
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At least the sky we fly through isn't spewing demons forth. We have to come back to land for that.